Holidays, Loneliness, and Finding Real Joy (Not the Instagram Kind)

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If the holidays feel heavy this year, you are not alone—no matter what it looks like on social media.

This season tends to magnify everything: love and connection, yes, but also grief, distance, stress, money worries, relationship tension, and that quiet ache of feeling alone in a crowded room. If you’ve ever thought, “Something must be wrong with me for feeling this way,” let’s correct that right now: nothing is wrong with you. Your nervous system is just telling the truth.

This newsletter is your permission slip to:

• Be honest about how you’re really doing
• Set boundaries without guilt
• Build a realistic plan for your mental health
• Still make room for small, real moments of joy

Not the cinematic, perfect-family-around-the-table joy. The “I exhaled and felt okay for 30 seconds” kind of joy. That counts. A lot.

Why the Holidays Can Feel So Lonely

Loneliness is not just “being alone.” You can feel deeply lonely:

• In a busy household
• In a relationship that feels distant
• Surrounded by people who don’t really see you
• Sitting in a room full of relatives who don’t know the real you

The holidays crank up the pressure in a few ways:

1. Comparison overload

You see highlight reels: matching pajamas, happy kids, perfect trees, “best year ever” posts. Your brain quietly runs a comparison script:

• “Their family looks closer than mine.”
• “They’re doing better financially.”
• “Everyone seems so happy. Why can’t I be?”

1. Old stories resurface

Family patterns, childhood roles, old hurts—holidays bring them front and center. Your body remembers what your mind tries to “logic away.”

3. Unresolved grief gets louder

The empty chair at the table. The relationship that ended. The version of life you thought you’d have by now. Anniversaries of loss and change often cluster around this time of year.

4. Social and emotional burnout

Even if you love people, constant gatherings, noise, demands, and expectations drain your emotional battery. If you’re already anxious or depressed, it drains faster.

Again: none of this means you’re failing. It means you’re human.

What Loneliness Does to Your System

Let’s call it what it is: chronic loneliness is not “just in your head.” It has real effects:

• Your nervous system stays on alert (“No one really has me, I’m on my own.”)
• Sleep can get thrown off—either too much or not enough.
• You might over-function (control everything) or under-function (freeze and shut down).
• You might feel more irritable, tearful, numb, or disconnected.

If this sounds familiar, you are not being dramatic. Your system is flagging that you need connection, safety, and kindness—both from others and from yourself.

Holiday Management: A Mental Health Plan, Not Just a Calendar

Instead of asking, “How do I survive the holidays?” try this upgraded question:

“What do I need—in my body, mind, schedule, and relationships—to get through this season without losing myself?”

Here are some concrete levers you can adjust.

1. Expectations: Lower them. No, lower. A bit more.

Perfection is the enemy of peace. Ask yourself:

• What am I expecting of myself that is actually unreasonable?
• How would this look if it were 30% easier?
• What can be “good enough” instead of perfect?

You are allowed to buy the store-bought dessert. You are allowed to say no to the third party in three nights. You are allowed to choose simple over impressive.

2. Social Boundaries: Protect your energy

You do not have to attend every event, answer every call immediately, or sit through every conversation that shreds your nervous system.

Try:

• “I’d love to come, but I can only stay for an hour.”
• “I’m not going to talk about that topic today. Let’s change the subject.”
• “I won’t be able to make it this year, but I appreciate the invitation.”

If a boundary makes someone upset, that does not automatically mean the boundary is wrong.

3. Emotional Safety: Have an exit plan

If you’re walking into a stressful environment (family conflict, criticism, tension), go in with a plan:

• Who is my “safe person” I can text or step outside and call?
• Where is a quiet spot I can step away to breathe?
• What is my exit strategy if things go sideways?

You’re not overreacting by planning ahead—you’re taking care of yourself.

4. Grief and Empty Chairs: Name them

Pretending loss doesn’t exist doesn’t make it hurt less. It just makes you feel more alone in it.

Options:

• Light a candle for the person you’re missing.
• Share one favorite memory of them at a meal or gathering.
• Give yourself permission to cry, step away, or say, “Today is hard.”

Grief and joy can sit at the same table. You don’t have to choose.

Building Small Joy: The Kind That Actually Fits Real Life

“Find joy” can sound like a command, as if we’re supposed to manufacture happiness on demand. That’s not how real life works.

Think of joy more like small pockets of relief, meaning, or warmth that you intentionally create or notice.

Here are some realistic places to look:

• Sensory comfort: Warm drink, soft blanket, favorite hoodie, a hot shower, a quiet drive with music. (Yes, this counts as self-regulation, not laziness.)
• Micro-moments of connection:
• A genuine 5-minute check-in with someone safe
• A quick text: “Thinking of you today”
• Saying hello to the same barista or neighbor
• Joy in structure:
• One tiny daily ritual (candle at dinner, 10-minute walk, gratitude list with your kids or partner)
• A consistent bedtime that your future self will thank you for
• Joy in giving (with limits):

Acts of kindness can reduce loneliness—but only if they don’t drain you completely. Keep it small and genuine, not performative.

Try this question:

“What is one small thing I can do today that my nervous system will thank me for tomorrow?”

A 7-Day “Holiday Joy & Sanity” Mini Plan

You can use this yourself or share it with someone who needs it.

Day 1 – Take inventory (no judgment).

Write down: What is draining me? What is helping me? What is missing that I need more of (rest, connection, quiet, movement)?

Day 2 – Adjust one expectation.

Choose one thing to simplify or drop. Not ten. Just one.

Day 3 – Schedule connection.

Plan one realistic, meaningful connection:

• Coffee/tea/soda with a friend
• Video call with someone who “gets” you
  -A walk with someone you trust

Day 4 – Create a boundary.

Identify one situation that spikes your stress and decide:

• What is my limit?
• What will I say if that limit is pushed?

Practice the sentence out loud.

Day 5 – Build a comfort ritual.

Choose one short ritual that signals safety to your nervous system: a warm drink before bed, reading 10 pages, stretching, journaling, or simply sitting in quiet for 5 minutes.

Day 6 – Name your grief and your hope.

Write down:

• “Right now I am grieving…”
• “Right now I am hoping for…”

Both can be true. You are allowed to carry both.

Day 7 – Celebrate one small win.

Look back at the week and name one thing you did to care for yourself or someone else. Even if it felt small. Especially if it felt small.

When to Reach Out for More Support

If you notice any of the following, it may be time to reach out for professional help:

• You feel hopeless or numb most of the time
• Sleep and appetite are significantly changing
• You’re withdrawing from most people and activities
• You’re using substances, food, work, or screens to cope almost constantly
• You’re having thoughts that the world or people around you would be better off without you

Reaching out does not mean you are weak. It means you are refusing to keep suffering alone.

If the holidays are hard this year, it does not define you and it does not predict your future. You are allowed to protect your energy, grieve what hurts, and still reach for moments of joy that fit where you really are—not where you “should” be.

If you would like support in building a plan for this season—emotionally, relationally, and mentally—therapy can be a powerful place to start. You do not have to figure all of this out by yourself.

Written by: Debee Gold, LCSW